Celebrity-Athlete of the Day: Juan Uribe

I’ve found my subjects for celebrity-athletes in numerous different ways. I still don’t know how I find these people, or why I even know who else they look like (what can I say, it’s a gift).

Today’s subject was found by doing what I do best, watching TV (although a bit of the credit also belongs to proximity, as today’s athlete plays for one of the teams I covered during my internship out in Sacramento).

Today’s Athlete: Juan Uribe, shortstop for the San Francisco Giants.

• I don’t know whether it’s the violent swing, chubby face, creepy demeanor that made me notice; but, whatever the reason, Uribe bears a striking resemblance to one of my favorite rappers: Jadakiss.
  
  It all started a little over a week ago, when I went to a Giants game at AT&T ballpark (one of the most picturesque ballparks you’ll ever see). I remember sitting in the press box when, all-of-the-sudden, some Spanish music starts blaring in my ears. Uribe was up to hit and my eyes fixated on his bat. Let me just say, that this dude has the most violent swing of all-time (sorry Gary Sheffield, but his is just stupid). I’ve never seen somebody work that hard for an opposite field single in my life (and I used to play baseball…ish).
  
  His swing only enhanced my belief that I came to the previous night (while watching music videos on MTV Jams): he is baseball’s version of Jadakiss. Jadakiss might be the only rapper (other than Game and Eminem) that genuinely scares me (obviously Eminem scares me for different reasons). I feel like he will actually shoot me if he had the chance. I’m a relatively big dude, but I really don’t think that’d matter against a goon like Jadakiss. That’s how I felt about Uribe when I walked into the Giants clubhouse after the game.
  
  Both guys are reasonably big, with really chunky faces (when they wear fitted hats, they look a lot like Mr. Met). The two are also un-humanly violent (maybe not outside of their professions, but they’ve got some hidden aggression). Tiger should blame Uribe for the way he got clocked by, his now ex-wife, Elin; I’m almost positive she took notes from watching Uribe’s baseball swings.
  
  
  
  Imagine Uribe stepping into the batters box and unloading on a hanging curveball. If you’ve ever seen his swing, you’ll know that he whips the bat, drops it, raises his arms, and swags out of the batters box, all in one fluid motion (all his missing is the “Aheeeeeeh!” and you’d swear Jadakiss played baseball).
  
  Both men are at the top of their game, and still have at least a few years left in the tank. I’m not sure how much longer Jada’s raspy voice or Uribe’s maniacal swing will hold up over time; however, I don’t see either man changing anytime soon.

By Aaron Hilton
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